MasterChef: Allez Cuisine!

MasterChef
Aug 25, 2010

This week… on MasterChef:

Yes, Virginia, another two hour episode. However – as draining as watching two (two… TWO!) hours of Reality TV cum Cooking Competition can be, in this instance it actually makes sense, as the episodes are designed around the extended time (instead of just slapping two episodes together, as was the case on Hell’s Kitchen.)  And, should FOX want to, they could extend the season by splitting each episode into two.

However, I don’t think that will be happening.  Because, during one of the commercial breaks, they announced that Season 8 of Hell’s Kitchen will premier on Sept. 22!

Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yeah, back to the show.  For the first challenge, we have a MYSTERY BOX CHALLENGE.  Because, you know, all the foodie Reality TeeVee contests overuse do this type of challenge. However, in a shocking twist(!), all the ingredients seem to fit together!  In fact, they are the basis for baked goods!  Which leads to the theme for this challenge: prepare one “amazing cupcake”!  Now, all we need is for someone to come up with the idea of using BACON! in their cupcake, and the whole universe will collapse into itself under the weight of all the culinary clichés!

The judges taste the three most enticing cupcakes, from

• Jake – It seems that chocolate is a favorite of the judges.  Jake responds by taking the opportunity to show off his butt-kissing skills.
• Sharone – this is the first cupcake he has ever made.  My notes read “Hazelnut + pistachio + cream cheese = TEH AWESOME.”
• Whitney – Coconut w/lemon glaze, and toasted coconut on top. Chef: “Well done.” Judge Joe: “a very smart cupcake.” (Can someone tell me how you determine the IQ of a cupcake?)

And the winner… Sharone! (Yea! Ask me if I care!) Which leads directly to his co-contestants dishing up dirt on his in the confessional.  Because, after all, we can’t be gracious in defeat, now, can we?

On the other end of the spectrum, Tracy lets her over-confidence get the better of her, since as a baker this was hers to win (or lose… oopsie), and after her poor cupcake has a meltdown, she experiences one herself.

From here, we proceed to the next challenge, as Chef Ramsay introduces a very special guest: IRON CHEF CAT CORA. My reaction: {swoon} {thud}.  Similar reaction from several of the contestants.  Sharone is taken aside, and shown three of her signature dishes (where o where is my smell-o-vision when I need it?) He gets to choose which of these dishes everyone will be cooking for the next challenge – an Elimination challenge, btw!  His choice is a truffled halibut, and he finds out his “huge advantage”:  while the others will be cooking to stay in the game, he will go heads-up against IRON CHEF CAT CORA.  If the judges, in a blind tasting, judge his dish to be better than that prepared by IRON CHEF CAT CORA, he will have his ticket punched direct to the Final Four.  Obviously, someone was smoking crack laced with peyote dreaming to think that any of these folks could out-cook IRON CHEF CAT CORA, but it does give Sharone a chance to dream a bit himself.

And, the cooking starts. As IRON CHEF CAT CORA completed her dish in 18 minutes, and the contestants have an hour, I am thinking we will be seeing some over-cooked fish this night.  And, I would be right.  Over-cooked fish, broken sauces, lack of seasoning, even RAW FISH from one contestant. Slim had her “garlic boiled in cream” savaged by Judge Joe.

So, what happened to Sharone, you ask?  Did he beat IRON CHEF CAT CORA to earn the right to work on his tan until the Final Four? No, but apparently his dish came across pretty good, despite his decision to “make it his own” instead of trying to replicate what IRON CHEF CAT CORA put on the plate.  Which is, in the final analysis, a pretty darned good showing.

But, back to the others… Tracy redeems herself by presenting a well-cooked fish, Jake did pretty well, as IRON CHEF CAT CORA said his dish RAWKED.  On the bottom: Mike (of the RAW FISH), Slim (of the BROKEN SAUCE), and Faruq (whose fish was really, really dry.)  Jake ends up being declared the winner (Yea! Ask me if I care!), while Faruq is declared the loser, and is 86′d.

The ones to watch, as a result of this last challenge:  Sharone, Jake, and Tracy.  I would add Whitney to the list, but she while she does ok with the MYSTERY BOX CHALLENGEs, she tends to not do so well during the other challenges.  However, she still bears watching, as if/when she gets her nerves under control, she could break out.

Next up: we go a truckin’ to a Red Team/Blue Team challenge, good buddy! And, the Losing Team will have to face the DREADED PRESSURE TEST.

The team challenge this week: cook hamburgers for “100 hungry-ass truck drivers”. Using “amazing ingredients”. Jake gets to pick his team, and chooses Tracy, Whitney, Lee, and Tony for the Blue Team (also known as “Team Overconfidence”.) The others form the Red Team (a.k.a. “Team Underdogs”.)

The moral of this challenge (if there is such a thing), could be summed up in the following sentence: “If at first you **** up, then change it up and find something that works!”  The Red Team managed to learn (and apply) this lesson, as their first attempt at a burger resulted in a disastrous failure, when the bleu cheese they mixed up into the meat (who in their right mind mixes up cheese into the meat‽) melts into an ooey, gooey mess all over the grill, and they have to make up a whole new batch of patties, scrambling to have any burgers ready when the 100 hungry truckers show up.  They then get the bright idea to let the buns soak up the bacon grease, before getting toasted. As a result, the truckers start ringing their bell.  No, seriously.  Because, this is the method Chef has used to tally the votes.  And, the first team to 51 votes wins.

The Blue Team decides to ‘stay the course’ as they see the truckers voting for the Red Team. Even after Chef suggests maybe they make some changes.  Because, after all, nobody makes a better burger than #TeamHubris! Alas, somebody forgot to tell the truckers this, so (despite Jake’s protestations to the contrary), the Red Team wins this challenge hands-down, and the Blue Team has to face the DREADED PRESSURE TEST.

The DREADED PRESSURE TEST this week: to identify as many of 25 ingredients sitting on the table as possible.  The person who identifies the least, goes home.  Simple enough!  Jake sets the bar pretty high (though not as high as some expected), identifying 11.  Tony is up next, and only identifies 9, replacing Jake in the Circle of Wait.  It seems he forgot the Cardinal Rule of this DREADED PRESSURE TEST: identify the ingredients you know first. Whitney (who reminds us that she is the only one of this group to have previously faced the DREADED PRESSURE TEST) is up next, and shortly she joins Jake.  Last up: Whitney, who is ASTOUNDED that Tony only identified 9 ingredients.  She, of course, identifies 10, which means that Tony joins Faruq in the Hall of the Legion of the 86′d this evening.

So ends another episode, and with it the hopes and dreams of two more celebrity chef wannabes, who were seeking fame, and ended up getting 15 minutes worth.

Next week, the theme is Top Chef Season 1 Redux Romance, as the contestants compete in a Wedding Catering Challenge.  We are promised hilarity as one of the main courses goes missing, when next we tune in… to MasterChef.