Top Chef Texas: War is Heck

Disclaimer: This is in no way, shape, or form a “serious” recap/review of Top Chef Texas. Instead, my self-imposed assignment is to bring to light how the State of Texas pissed away somewhat over $400,000 of taxpayer funds, with the City of San Antonio adding another six figure amount to the pot. If you are looking for “real” recaps of the show, I would suggest you check out Kate Shellnutt’s post on the subject over at’s Tubular blog, or – if you prefer your recaps on the spicy side, liberally seasoned with f-bombs – you can try Katharine Shillcutt’s recap over at Eating Our Words.

No QuickFire Challenge this week: the Lovely Padma and Hugh‘s Unibrow let the remaining eight chefts know that this week is… Restaurant Wars! And, since we have four each of male and female, it will be a Battle of the Sexes! And, this time the teams will also be responsible for dining area design! Even best, they will be cooking in the same venue – but on different nights! And who goes first will be selected by the toss of a coin! The guys lose the toss, which means they have to cook first – and are thereby given a Distinct Disadvantage.

Not-so-random Texas stuff spotting: the TV spot for Houston as a culinary town airs. TRUE FACT: this ad probably features more of Texas’ culinary goodness than the rest of this whole episode. (Way to go, Elves – and State govt.)

Spoiler alert: Team X-Y (and their restaurant Canteen) lose. Ty-Lör, whose under-seasoned work was deemed most Boring (pun intended), is offered a chance to de-throne Neysha in the Last Chance Kitchen. After being told to PPYKAG, of course. Team X-X, whose restaurant was named Half-assed Half Bushel, came out on top. Beverly ended up with the winning dish (coincidentally, a braised short rib dish, similar to the one she produced when Heather was eliminated.)

To make up for the lack of Texas culinary content, the Elves decided to add an extra helping of Reality TeeVee Dramaz! Once again, the victim is poor, hapless Beverly, and her tormenters are the tag-team of Lindsey and Sarah.

Is it just me, or is Sarah even beginning to sound like Heather?

Note to Lindsey: Southern ladies don’t call their team mates “retarded” – f***ing or otherwise. In fact, could we just agree to never use that word to cast aspersion on another human being again?

Trying to end this on a somewhat more positive note: the funniest segment had to have been when Chris Moto explained the Kobayashi Maru – little did he know that he was describing his team’s service to a tee, as they ended up with a no-win situation. The funniest line of the night goes to Ed, who greeted Team X-X with “I’m sorry; there’s a six-hour wait tonight” when they arrived for dinner.

I could go on (good Lord, I could go on) about what a fustercluck this episode was. It was, in fact, probably my least favorite Restaurant Wars of them all. Of course, the same thing could be said for pretty much this entire season. Right now, I am not sure there is anybody left who can provide a decent challenge to Paul. So, we are left with wondering (1) will Beverly finally snap, and go Lizzie Borden on her house-mates; (2) will Nyesha continue her Tour of Vengeance in LCK, and wind up back in the competition; and (3) will we see any more of Texas’ rich culinary heritage featured, or are to left with nothing but Toyota this and GE that?

Next week: something about cooking for a celebrity and bloody handprints on plates and I’m not sure what else and I don’t really much care anymore.

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